4.45 am – waking up
I took myself out for a sunrise date again this morning.
I rolled out of bed, got ready, and made my way downstairs to my scooter.
It was still dark outside, the air fresh and quiet.
While I was driving through the empty streets, the cold wind bursted through my wind jacket, and I got frustrated that I forgot to wear an extra layer.
However, I enjoyed the early morning ride.
Driving alone through silent darkness is pure peace.
Empty mind, fleeting landscape, open heart.
5.45 am – arriving at Manzhou beach 滿州沙灘
I climbed on top of a rock and waited for the sun. Some anxious thoughts start to appear and I just let them linger in my mind.
My anxiety and me sitting side by side.
‘It is okay that you are here.‘, I told them.
‘Let’s wait together for the sun.’
A melody from a Bruno Mars song started to play in my head and I naturally started to hum.
One note led to another, and after a while I switched to some Ayahuasca songs that I liked and eventually started to sing my own songs.
I repeatedly sang words to myself like a mantra, words that I needed to hear, from my soul to my heart.
Melodies of prayers came out of my throat and I let the energy flow.
I created songs out of anxiety, and alchemised one form of energy into another.
When the sun finally took its first glimpse, tears ran down my face.
I am the medicine I am looking for.
I am the medicine I am looking for in another person, in a book, a song or in videos on the internet.
6.28 am – time to move
I said one last prayer to the crashing waves and the new light of the day, before I climbed down to touch some sand.
When I dissolute any ideas about how I need to be as a person, life suddenly becomes crystal clear.
It was not about if I was a good singer, a good devoted spiritual person, or a good dancer.
Being in nature and absorbed in Earth’s frequency I can simply be.
And in this moment, being meant dancing barefoot in the sand, feeling my soft feminine energy while filming myself.
Filming myself, experimenting with different aesthetics and looking at the footage afterwards has been a surprising act of self-love in recent years.
Another layer of suppressing my life energy peeled.
(Am I too self-obsessed? What will others think of me if I did that? I don’t want to be so superficial. God, I feel so stupid. But it is so much fun!)
I danced away my worries about the future and breathed into new found freedom.
How many more little desires & dreams do I suffocate out of fear, shame & guilt, before they can even sprout to a complete thought form?
Here, in the middle of nowhere, I am free to be me.
Free to unleash the Goddess and get more glimpses of the Wild Woman.
I long for sisterhood and dancing with other women.
There is more to go and where I am here and now is perfect.
– my little sacred ritual with the sun and the elements🤍
